Super Glue: A Cautionary Tale

*Sorry for the lack o' posts lately.  I've been dealing with multiple computer issues, as well as a seriously lack of free time.  A regular posting schedule will resume shortly.

EDIT:  Cross-posted here.  You know, that other blog I write.

Ahh, super glue.  That binder of things come undone.  That sticker of stuff that wants to unstick.  That substance which burned a hole in my leg this morning... but I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let me share with you a series of steps you should avoid taking at all costs.  CHOOSE ANOTHER STAIRCASE, YO.

Step One:  Decide you can repair your favorite "plastic" faux-leather boots from Target yourself, with a judicious amount of super glue.

Step Two:  Sit yourself down on your couch in your poorly lit living room, with only the light of Fox 9's Morning News and a solitary lamp to guide you.

Step Three:  Uncork the glue.  Recall the last time you used it, it seemed to not want to come out of the tube.

Step Four:  Stab at the opening of the tube with the pin conveniently located in the cap, to ensure that damn thing is OPEN.

Step Five:  Grab the heel, and pull it back from the bottom of the boot.  Check the TV to see if the traffic report is on yet, as you are running late.

Step Six:  Squeeze REALLY FREAKING HARD on the tube, pointing it in what you assume is the general direction of the detached heel.  Think to self, "it's hard to see, what with the lack of light and the all-black boot."  Repeat.  Repeat.

Step Seven:  Clamp the heel firmly to the bottom of the boot.  Wonder to self if any glue dripped out onto the other side of the boot.

Step Eight:  Notice a sharp, burning pain on your thigh.  Wonder to self where the boiling liquid, which has obviously spilled on you, might have come from, as you haven't had your coffee yet today, and what else could be that mother-f%&king hot.

Step Nine:  Move boot aside and look down at your thigh.  Notice a large, dark stain.  Swear to self when you realize it's from dripped super glue.  A great deal of dripped super glue.  More like a stream of super glue, which clearly over-shot the heel of the boot.

Step Ten:  Flip boot over to see excess glue on the opposite side.  Swear out loud when you realize you got glue on your favorite boots.  Wipe at glue with bare hands.  Swear louder when you get glue all over yourself.

Step Eleven:  Notice that the burning sensation on your thigh is getting MUCH WORSE.  Touch the stain to ascertain that yes, super glue + jeggings = a chemical reaction which produces heat.  Marvel briefly at the wonders of science.

Step Twelve:  Begin to swear REALLY REALLY REALLY LOUD when the aforementioned burning pain builds to a zenith.  Pull down the jeggings.  Look down to see that a large swatch of skin is now missing from your thigh, as the super glue has affixed it to your jeggings.  Let out a girlie scream.

Step Thirteen:   Whilst continuing to swear loudly, attempt to a. wash the glue off your hands, b. check to make sure you didn't get any glue on the couch or carpet or coffee table, c. wipe the now-dry and tacky glue on the boot, removing nothing and d. pick at the dried glue on your pants to see if it might come off.

Step Fourteen:  Gaze in horror as the stain breaks in two, leaving a large hole in your favorite pair of jeggings.

Step Fifteen:  Clean your flesh wound with rubbing alcohol.  Swear.  Change clothes.  Swear.  Look at the clock to see how late you are.  Swear.  Throw out the ruined jeggings.  Cry.

The moral of my tale of woe?  Have a cobbler fix your boots, even if they are faux.  And never mix super glue with jeggings.